How to Beat Loneliness Before it Beats You


A picture of me and Costa Rican friends sitting on a fence on the side of a dormant volcano. I am not alone here. I just think it is cool.

My family lives in a small, idyllic town off of the Southeastern Coast of the USA. It is a well-known destination for southern elites (I mean that as a compliment) who come here to spend a few idle days before heading back to the grind of whatever they do for work in whatever larger city they live. Generally, the people who live in my hometown are retired or got married within less than 8 years of college and are adapted to the slower pace.

When between jobs, I have found myself back there with little to do and less and less people to do it with. I am not married or retired. Among the popular activities in my coastal hometown are golf, drinking, boating, riding bikes, tennis, golf and drinking. These are fun, but not perfect for someone who is confident that his next paycheck will come, but doesn’t know exactly when. And, I left my bike in San Francisco; I don’t own a boat yet; and think drinking heavily while unemployed can jeopardize potential future employment. This means I have to be creative in avoiding boredom. Consequently, I have found and developed other fulfilling hobbies, such as jiu-jitsu, but I have not figured out how to get paid to do them.

As for my friends here, their family obligations leave them with little time to fuck around with one of their few remaining bachelor friends. I must emphasize that I attribute my friends’ unavailability to their busyness, but not maliciousness, and will continue to do so until proven wrong. This phenomenon of busyness is prevalent in most places in this country among people in their mid-30s, because that seems to be the optimal age to start a family. I love my friends.

Getting to the point, the lack of suitable daily social activities and people to do them with creates a lot of alone time for me here. I, like other people need to spend about half of my time alone to feel like I am at my best. I love me some me, time.

However, too much alone time is widely known as hazardous to a person’s mental health. I just finished reading a great book in which the author explains how loneliness and disconnection are a sure path to a decrease in mental health and even depression. The author did this in more depth and with more eloquence than I am here, but, if you have been alive for long enough, you know what I am talking about. We weren’t designed to spend life in solitude.

Having experienced extended periods of solitude in my hometown, I have become more proficient at keeping my mind out of the “devil’s workshop.” It wasn’t always like this, but, through experience, I have vastly improved at being alone. Below are a few things I recommend doing to help you stay sane while you are by yourself for extended periods of time.

  1. Call People–I’m coming out of the gate with this one, because it can make or break the quality of your mindset and, in turn, mental health. Calling and staying in touch with people, even if it is just to bullshit, can do wonders for your psychey. Taking it a step further, every time I think of someone I haven’t been in contact with for some time, I write their name down and plan on reaching out to them within 24 hours. It works. Our tendency, as human beings, is to interpret other people’s inability to spend time with us as them not wanting to. This is less often the case. There is a quote that is credited to Napolean that goes, “Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.” Replace “incompetence” with “busyness” and there you have a philosophy you can use when people can’t hang out with you. Besides, I like being around me, so other people must feel that way too. Lastly, I found it acceptable to have long phone conversations about nothing with friends who might live far away, but are available during these times. You don’t have to join a cult to diminish the sting of loneliness. Stay connected to people you know. It works. I promise.
  2. Exercise–Duh! Exercise is the antidote for a better life for innumerable reasons. Doing it regularly while alone and idle is no exception. Adding to this, sticking to a goal-based exercise program during protracted alone time is optimal. I have found meaning and purpose in the seemingly sophomoric or insignificant goal of learning to hold a handstand for longer than 30 seconds. I have found that setting small exercise related goals like this one can keep a person engaged in exercising in the first place. Additionally, keep in mind that your busy friends may have put their personal fitness under their family and financial priorities. Eventually, they will have to make room for fitness again. Being alone and uncommitted is an opportunity to invest in your physical health that other, more established professionals may not have. Take advantage of it.
  3. Learn–Balancing work and a social life often leaves little time for one’s personal learning interests. I, for one, am a language learning nerd. I thoroughly enjoy learning how to speak foreign languages whether I reach fluency or not. If you find yourself alone and still have the lingering thought that goes something like, “I’ve always wanted to do that,” you should use idle or alone time to try whatever “that” is. Either you will eventually find one or more people to share your life with OR you will die alone. In either scenario, your schedule won’t allow you to pursue things you want to learn for their own sake forever.
  4. Trust the Process–The end is nigh. Every time I have escaped periods of unemployment and the loneliness that goes with it through force, I wound up putting myself in an unsustainable work or life situation. Instead of trusting that the change will come how and when it is supposed to, I forced it only to land myself back in the static position I was in before. The change will come if you let it and it will be change that you may not have wanted, but needed. Do what you need to do to pursue available opportunities, but don’t force it.
  5. Friends and Health–Expanding on two previous points, be grateful for your friends and health.  As an unmarried, unestablished and unoccupied adult, you may feel like you have lost many things. This is sometime the case, but, typically, if you try focusing on the solid relationships and health that you still have, you may find that you still have an abundance of these. In fact, when you have nothing, the people who remain in your life are the ones worth holding on to. Just because you may be temporarily poor in career success and finances, doesn’t mean you can’t be rich in your relationships and health. List the relationships and positive aspects of your health out loud if it helps. Keep in mind that it is during such times that you have the opportunity to invest more in these areas. Don’t let it pass you by.

All in all, loneliness is difficult and unnatural. Definitive action is necessary to keep it from clouding your mood. It can, however, be tamed using just some of the above loneliness-slaying tactics. Keep well and let me know in the comments if you relate to this and have any other ideas on how to kill the loneliness monster.







What Living Abroad Taught Me

Ok. Ok. I fully understand that blog posts on this subject have been done before. I am not the first and certainly not the last person to write about it.

That said, it is easier for me to write about what I learned while abroad than to keep it to myself. Posts I wrote while living abroad are scattered among this blog and another one, ( The latter was created specifically to chronicle my time in Costa Rica.

As background, I left my post at a reputable, hometown corporate law firm in 2015 and moved to Costa Rica. Previous to that, I battled the job-loathing and loneliness that comes from being unsuited for my work and living as a single person in a town full of young married people for 3 years. Toward the end of the third year, I devised a plan to vagabond in Latin America for 4 months and then continue on to Asia for 1 year. My extended travel itinerary, however, didn’t go quite like that.

I went to Costa Rica for 7 months instead of 4, because I wanted to perfect my Spanish (no esta perfecto ahora). Then, I returned to the USA and begrudgingly job searched for 5 months until I found a “real (soul-crushing) job.” Wanderlust still close to the surface, I could only fake it in the real job for 4 months. So, after a frustrating stint as an account executive with a fortune 500 company, I reset my sights on finishing my originally planned adventure.

Months later, I boarded a plane for Hong Kong and made my way to Shenzhen, China where I would spend the next 6 months. Neither time nor money can replace my experience there.

All in all, it took me 28 months to leave my lawyer job and return home from China instead of the originally planned 16. It was all well worth it, but I was a donkey about it. I will explain the reference later.

To encapsulate everything I learned while living in foreign countries would be to trivialize it, but here are some of the things I feel are too profound to keep to myself.

  1. Being US American and speaking English equals being in the world’s 1%–In my second post on my Costa Rica blog (             /08/21/first-impressions/), I eagerly documented this understanding. It hit me like a ton of bricks right after I set foot in Costa Rica and in China for the first times. This is two-pronged: First, being from the USA comes with innumerable advantages. The least of these advantages is the standard of living. In no way is this a knock on anyone, anywhere, but to appreciate this everyday is mandatory for living happily in the USA. Second, speaking English as one’s first language is perhaps the single greatest advantage ever enjoyed by any person in the history of the human race. English is the international language of business. Training centers and English schools thrive in nearly every country in the world. In the USA, however, we do not have reciprocal training in foreign languages. Is this because we are lazy? I say “NO.” English-speaking Americans are not punished for being monolingual. English is where foreigners from different nations meet. We are as others would be in our circumstances.                                                                                      As an example, I regularly attended a workout class while in China. The instructor was from Brazil and most of the other attendees were Chinese. Neither party spoke English as their first language, but the class was given in English. English was the meeting point and the most commonly discernible language. Being a native English speaker is a greater advantage than almost anything else.
  2. Living abroad probably WON’T lead to career progress–This one was tough to swallow.  On one hand, I steadfastly believe that adjusting to living in a foreign country is challenging and rewarding no matter who you are.  For me, it required perseverance and adaptability that I may not have been able to gain otherwise. We are creatures of habit and habitat and are bound to get a little disoriented if moved to a strange land. Learning to survive abroad requires tenacity, stick-to-itiveness and character. These skills are valuable intangibles.                                                              Gaining these intangible skills, however, does not necessarily translate to career advancement. I no longer expect potential employers or colleagues to see these skills as a direct indicator of future career success.  Realistically, US employers want a candidate to have direct successful experience doing the exact thing they are hiring someone to do. Do you know any companies looking to pay someone to live abroad and tell people about it? I don’t.                                                                     Personally, I will always treasure what I learned from living abroad and wouldn’t trade it for any amount of career success. That said, my career is not any further along than it was when I left to venture out of the USA.
  3. People don’t really give a $h!t–Taking the plunge to remain in a foreign country for an extended time is a fascinating undertaking, but don’t expect everyone you know back home to understand that.                                                                                         I previously completed law school, but equate going abroad as “Life School.” I learned as much about myself and the world in 13 months abroad as I did from 6 years in the working world of the USA. I wanted everyone back home to know what I found out.                                                                                                                                 Unfortunately and fortunately, friends and family went on living their lives. People have to eat, sleep, drink and be merry whether you go to China or not. They are interested in things you can tell them about life abroad, but I would probably have had this realization one day whether I stayed in the USA permanently or not.    This is a delineated and commonly recognized phase of reverse culture shock, which I talked about in one of my YouTube videos (
  4. Good People are Everywhere–I need not delve into generalizations made about people from different cultures. Before I went to China, a friend, who was opposed to me going, told me, “the people in China suck.” He had never been to China before saying that to me.                                                                                                                            If you are abiding by the Golden Rule while living abroad, you will attract others who are doing the same. You may not be able to climb the social ladder as easily as you can at home, but you will find good people if you act like a good person. This means multiple things in different situations and you do need to be careful about who you involve yourself with, but, if you keep integrity and kindness at the forefront of your principles, you will be fine.                                                                       If you do the above, here is what happens. You will arrive wide-eyed in your new country expecting to take on all of the experiences the new place can offer you. At first, you may agree to doing exciting things with people you may not normally associate with, because you are in your new country. After spending time with these new acquiantances, you will discern whether they are good for you. If so, great! You have found some people who will comfort you while you adjust to being there. If not, you should, and hopefully will, slowly distance yourself from these new people, because your survival may depend on it. Then, you may be lonely for some time, but you will eventually find the right people.                                                      At the beginning of my time Costa Rica, for example, I was introduced to someone who seemed to like a lot of the same things I did. Additionally, he went to college in the USA and spoke perfect English. I realized, however, he was associated with some of the less polished people in town. He, for example, told me his friend pulled a gun on someone in the previous week. I quickly took this to mean he wasn’t careful about who he was friends with and that I wasn’t really interested in meeting any of his associates. So, I stopped responding to his messages and stayed lonely for a few weeks until meeting a great group of friends whom I am still close to today. They didn’t hang out with people who pulled guns on people.                                            The point is, you can find good people if you are willing to step away from bad people.
  5. The good ones make all the difference–Doubling down on my previous point, being around good people provided me with as in-depth of a cultural experience as possible in both Costa Rica and China. Hospitality is a virtue shared by good people everywhere. Once you feel comfortable among who you associate with in a new country, you will let your guard down and allow yourself to take in everything that comes your way. In contrast, if you are concerned about the character and quality of the people you interact with, you will subconsciously put your guard up hindering your ability to fully embrace the new culture. We are the average of the five people we most associate with. This is truer when you are in a place in which you don’t know anyone.
  6. You will never fully close the door–I cannot fully grasp this, because I haven’t lived the rest of my life yet, but, so far, Costa Rica and China are still a part of my life. I hope it stays this way forever. I don’t ever want them not to be. The people I made friends with, the world knowledge I gained and everything else I got from being abroad won’t just disappear now that I am back.                                                               A beautiful thing about life is that you can’t retract the boundaries of your horizons once they have been expanded. I cannot unsee, unfeel or unobserve what I experienced while abroad. This was the whole point.
  7. “Don’t be a donkey.”–I learned of this philosophy from one of my favorite podcasts. It comes from a fable in which a donkey is equally hungry and thirsty and is placed equidistant between some hay and water. The poor animal cannot decide whether it wants to eat or drink and eventually ends up dying of thirst and hunger. Here is a link to a better explanation of this fable:                                                                                                                                           I fully confess that I was a donkey toward the end of my time in Costa Rica. Earlier in this post, I told you I originally planned on going to Asia after Costa Rica. Unfortunately, I acquiesced to what other people wanted me to do and moved back to get a real job between my Costa Rica and Asia time. I hated it, but more painful than that was that I still wanted to live in Asia while trying to get a new job in a new city. Instead of fully completing my travel and THEN re-entering the US working world, I went to Costa Rica for 7 months, got nervous about my career prospects, came home and wasted 5 months looking for a job I didn’t want, re-entered the working world prematurely and then quit so I could move to China for a while. As you know, I ended up getting to Asia, but wasted a lot of time and money figuring out that that was where I really wanted to be for a little while. I was a donkey.

In sum, no matter how much time and energy I spent away from home, it will prove to have been more and more worth it as time goes on. Some of the lessons I referenced in this post may be things you feel like you already know. That may be the case, but my personal understanding of them is to astronomically deeper than it would have been had I not gone abroad.

My only regret is not fully committing to living my fullest life abroad sooner, but that’s just another thing I learned from doing all of this.


Non-Political YouTube Series–Day 7 (Final Day)

I’m going to end on a high-note. My avoidance of politically themed videos led to my discovery of more positively themed ones. I intend to continue watching more of the positive ones in the future than I did before starting this series. I may slip up and indulge in watching clips of combatant talking heads every once in a while, but I aim to continue viewing content that lifts my mood from now on.

Sticking with that philosophy, this final one speaks volumes about the importance of mindset. Admittedly, I have been guilty of the poor man’s mindset in the past, but have been and will continue to follow the rich man’s as outlined in the video.

Check out today’s finale video and enjoy!

Non-Political YouTube Series–Day 6

Vogue’s “73 Questions” series is terrific. If done in real-life, it is a profoundly better way to get to know someone than asking the basic series of questions, such as “where are you from, what college did you go to, where do you work, do you like it, do you have siblings, etc.” Such basic information from that line of questioning tends to come out naturally through the answers to questions like those asked in 73 Questions interviews.

I could have posted most of the other 73 Questions interviews as they are all intriguing, but chose the one with Aziz, because he just can’t help being funny. As is the case in a lot of his performances, he will go for minutes with moderately funny moments and then will smack you with something hilarious. Amy Pohler’s children call him “turkey sandwich.” That is hilarious.



Non-Political YouTube Series–Day 5

Today’s non-political is of the humorous sort and may have a few political undertones, but, let’s be real, current politics should be made light of. In fact, humor is likely the single strongest force in keeping freedom of speech alive.  Contrary to what mainstream political reporters and analysts may believe, you don’t fight fire with fire and you don’t beat a bully by bullying him back. I digress.

The Armageddon scenario in today’s video illustrates some dark and mostly hilariously truths about politics, humanity, and pop-culture in a short span of time. This channel generally appeals to my inner college student, but this video tickled a few of my developed funny bones.

Check it out:


Non-Political YouTube Series–Day 3

Today’s non-political video features Bill Nye’s affirming and thoughtful response to the question of whether homosexuality can be an evolutionarily developed trait. He answers the question asked and elaborates on his very sensible position. Then, he finishes with a memorable, quotable line. Good job Bill.

Someone very close to me recently accepted his homosexuality and made it known. It was hard for him. His friends and family were accepting, but it made me want to scream exactly what Bill says in this here video from a mountaintop.

The next time someone asks for my position on the issue, I’ll show them this video.

Check it out.

Non-Political YouTube Series–Day 2

This guy’s awesome. 

His multi-character, single actor performances have captured YouTube viewers for a few years now for good reason. He uses basic mashing, background music and blocking to create this suspense fully absurd piece. It goes from combative, to funny, to perverted, to ridiculous and back again. This guy is talented. 
As appreciative of Logan Paul as I am, there must be a place in young Hollywood superstardom for this YouTube / vine to riches actor. Check him out.

Non-political YouTube Series

Youtube’s continued improvements cannot be overlooked. The homepage has a neatly organized overlay showing the most relevant and hottest videos drawn from current events and the user data coming from your computer or phone. It is no surprise that political videos appear prominently on Youtube home page. They are omnipresent.

Lately, I have caught myself watching more political videos than is normal or healthy, which has prompted me to begin a 7-day, self-imposed political video restriction. During this time, I will take in only non-politically themed videos and pick the best one of the day.

Today’s selection is as follows:

As you see, Jerry West appears to be enlightening young basketballers on shooting techniques. He instructs them on the proper dominant-arm shooting position while making it rain inside the arc. Clearly his legendary form is still with him.

Check it out and tell me you don’t feel better than if you had watched a political video.

Moving In in San Francisco

I elaborated about getting from Georgia to San Francisco (“SF”) late last summer in a recent post. Although the journey provided as much reward as the destination, I omitted to write about the process that unfolded during the months after I got there. It was chalked full of trial and error and taught me more than I expected. Below is a list of what I would emphasize if I decided to move there again.

Consider comfort when picking an apartment–Before arriving in SF, I brainstormed about the factors that would determine where I would live. An overpowering aversion to long commutes led me to make proximity to work a much greater factor than it should have been. I set out to find an apartment within my price range that allowed me to walk to the office. My southern charm served me well in my Craigslist search for an apartment and landed me a room on a known and busy street in Nob Hill. I was living in the middle of the city’s action within a mile from work, so I jumped right in.

Unbeknownst to me was my inability to sleep in a room, which overhung the sidewalk next to a street of a 24-hour bus line. Public buses in SF, while electrically powered, still make enough noise starting and stopping to jar me from slumber. On top of that, weeknight partiers frequented the streets until the wee hours of every morning. No judgment, but I awoke to the hooting and hollering of Tuesday night drunkards on multiple occasions. I remember waking up to someone asking, “Do you know what time it is?” to which another someone replied, “2:40.” I happily realized that I still had a few more hours before I needed to get up for work.

Lastly, the room was infested with bed bugs. They are far more awful than I can express in a blog. I will refrain from grossing you out or reliving it (my feet still itch when I think about it), but, trust me, you never want to experience them if you haven’t already. A room far away from work without bedbugs is far better than one next to work with them. Having had this realization, I happily moved to a quieter place that was a greater distance from the office and did not have bedbugs.

Put any real dating on hold–Dating is a necessary pleasure and evil at this juncture of my life. SF was, in this regard, full of more exciting options than in my previous town. I came from a place made up of the same age demographic as the Price is Right’s viewing audience. I was ready to meet new people in my new town.

In spite of my readiness, I would have been better served by putting my energy into settling in before going on any real dates. I am not talking about avoiding making new friends or connections. I’m talking about setting up a mutually agreed upon meeting place days in advance, meeting there and spending$75 on someone you don’t know.

In my defense, I deleted Bumble and Tinder before moving to SF, but ended up spending more time, effort and money on a few dates than was necessary before I had my bearings there.  Speaking to myself, you will find better partners / dating options / mates when you are comfortable with yourself and your situation no matter where you are. To try and find them before you are is not only wasteful, but may end up hindering your ability to settle in at all.

I am always looking to be who the person I am looking for is looking for, which is someone who has their shit together. So, it follows that I was not going to find a person with their shit together until I had the same. Lesson learned.

Give Friends Space–Speaking in second person again, more solitude than normal is unavoidable in a place that is not your hometown. This is obvious, but important to keep in mind when you move. You may have friends in your new town, but keep in mind that they didn’t wait until you moved there to build lives and develop routines. Be mindful of the fact that they may still want to welcome you to their circle of friends even if they cannot get together on a weekly basis. It doesn’t mean they are avoiding you, it just means they have other shit going on. Give them space by creating your own original life that does not have to include them every week. After a while, you have new friends of your own, which you can introduce them to giving everyone a larger friend base!

Adulthood is full of people in different life phases at different times. Growing up, everyone is generally on the same schedule through college. Then, people get married, have kids, and do things on different timelines. This is as true in a new city as anywhere else. Don’t assume malice when busyness can explain everything.



Me on a Sizeable Rock exactly 34 years after being born

I can continue on this subject and double the length of this post, but, in closing, SF is a magical place that should be tried for any amount of time. I am home now, but more fully understand that returning home is not the same as never leaving. I left some, not all, of my heart in San Francisco.