Shorter than Could’ve Been South Texas Trip


Three days after Tim Tebow led the Florida Gators to a National Championship over Sam Bradford’s Sooners, we finished crossing Texas.

My final Christmas break included a once-in-a-lifetime road trip from Georgia to Arizona.  As was the case in law school, I had received my student-loan living expenses check in August (beginning of first semester), which was supposed to last until mid-January at the start of second semester.  I was temporarily broke.  A generous donation from my cross-country comrade’s father allowed me the disposable income I needed to do it big in Austin for two nights.  This story starts the next day after that money was gone.

We stumbled into my friends car on Monday morning and it was clear I would drive the first leg.  The Sunday night in Austin, which I spent bargaining for a girl’s phone number and maybe even a kiss, was spent by my friend downing a dozen whiskey and sprites.  He was hungover/still drunk.  The only way we were leaving before noon was by me taking the wheel first.

So, we set out for San Antonio, turned right on I-10 toward El Paso into the great wide open.  For those of you fortunate enough to see this part of the country, it is best described as clear.  With small elevation changes and the same number of trees as upper Antarctica, you can see everything for miles in every direction except for what lurks behind these giant median boulders.

Throughout the trip, we roughly divided up driving.  When he got tired, I drove and vice-versa.  My friend’s car came standard with more space than necessary for the speedometer needle. I guess German cars have to be equipped for the Audobon.

On this part of the trip, I learned how it feels to travel faster than 110 miles per hour on land.  My friend was asleep and I could see if cops were anywhere within 10 miles in any direction.  I was NOT getting pulled over.  On one of my friend’s naps, I noticed a complete lack of intelligent life ahead on the highway.

Again, the only obstructions were random giant boulders in the median, but they looked too small for anyone to hide their entire car behind.  So, I laid the hammer down and climbed to 120 mph, when all of a sudden, I passed a median boulder with a suspecting officer behind it.  The speed limit was 80, but I was unaware of any place in the USA with a lenience for speeders travelling 40 mph faster than the limit.

The Sutton Texas policeman pulled me over far past his hiding place and I was apprehensive to say the least. I had just shy of $300 in my bank account and not enough time between now and the first class of second semester to spend a night in a Texas jail.

The quick slowdown woke my friend up who was as emotional as anyone after a night like the previous one he had.  The officer casually walked up to my window and asked me to step out of the car.  A number of words come to mind when facing an overnight jail stay halfway across America from your hometown. One of them is “Oh F[expletive]!”

Standing halfway between the patrol car and my friend’s car for what seemed like 4 hours, the officer approached me saying, “I pulled you over for speeding.”  In my sarcastic mind, I considered responses ranging from “No shit” to “Oh really, I thought I didn’t stop at a duck crossing,” but I went with an innocent sounding”yes sir.”

As a current 31 year-old, I often get carded for alcohol, so at 26, the officer may have been more interested in whether I was yet old enough to drive.  We were close to the Mexican border, so maybe he was looking for illegals.

After his initial revealing of the unmysterious reason for pulling me over, he spent a few more minutes by my friend’s car and re-approached me to say I was getting a warning. Uh Really!?  I just got away with driving 40 miles per hour over the speed limit in Texas.  Was he a real police officer?

Many times since, I have not been as lucky in completely separate instances of my life, but I need to remember this one.

For those hoping to apply this to your life, I guess the moral of this one is, “if you are going to go 120 on a Texas highway, look pathetic, hungover, and 14, so maybe a policeman will give you a warning instead of taking you to jail for reckless driving.”


To the officer who let me off easily wherever you are, you’re a legend.  My children’s children say thank you.













Key and Peele–Smart Stupidity

If you are a person and have been awake and connected since 2012, you probably noticed the buzz surrounding Comedy Central’s “Key and Peele.”  Apparently, those giving out the Peabody Awards watched too.  Without delaying my opinion, you should know I am a fan.  Anyone can be a critic, so I will just tell you why they are different and better.

These two sketch-comedy artists refined the racially-sensitive comedic genre made popular by the Great Dave Chappelle.  For the residual racists of the world, the joke is still on you, but I digress.

To explain, a majority of their skits are purposefully stupid in a way that reason cannot capture.  From two gangsters who find common ground in their love for the Twilight series, to the invention of another word (“Nooice“) that means “good,” they the smartest idiots on television.  They seem to always find the line of the absurd, stand on it, and then leap miles past it.

Telling another person one sentence about one of their skits is usually laughable in itself.  Then you watch it and see the physicalities (proper use of the word) and mannerisms of Keegan (Key) and Jordan (Peele) and it is perfectly dumbfounding and hilarious.  This is a feat only often matched by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

I find solace in the fact that you have to see them in their dialogue first to understand that they are dumbing themselves down to play most of their parts.  In other words, they are smart, but know how to act more foolish than most.  At least a handful of their sketches touch the Jerry Seinfeld genre of making fun of commonly accepted events, habits and seemingly sensical everyday lives (See embedded “Continental Breakfast” video)

They know they are being stupid. If you know they are being stupid, then they know that you know they are being stupid.

Someone probably said this before, but “it takes a lot of smarts to be that stupid.”






First Post–Long Awaited, Not Overdue


Time for my first post.  I received the e-mail today, so I canNOT put this off any longer.

The voluminous chatter of sometimes funny, sometimes serious, and often non-sensical possible blog entries in my head will be organized on WordPress in a way that you can understand.  For two weeks, I labored and wrestled with the subject and scope of my first piece.  What do I want to say?  How much do I want to say about it? and how do I want to say that?

I don’t hang out with a lot of other artists or authors, but this getting it on paper may be hardest part.  If you read, you can expect bloggings about things I like and insights about goings on of things in general.

So…there it is; my first post.  BOOM!  Stay tuned.  There’s more where that came 1